My Bloody Valentine 3D – Bloody Bad But Bloody Fun

My Bloody Valentine 3D – Bloody Bad But Bloody Fun

I admit that I have a history with the original My Bloody Valentine released in 1981. I must have watched it at least half a dozen times on HBO as I was making the boyhood journey through puberty with the help of Cable TV. Even as a kid I thought it was pretty damned silly. My first reaction upon hearing of the remake was “Why?” It was a cut rate slasher flick even then, one which I had assumed had long been forgotten. I’m a little surprised that I actually brought myself to see the remake. However, there I am wearing those damned glasses.

On top of pretty much thinking the original was trash I’m also on an intimate hate affair with 3-D films right now . I found that the 3-D version of Bolt I witnessed last year was irritating as hell. Still, I’ve been kind of half hoping I would get to see another good 3-D film: the “good” applying to the 3-D rather than the film, but preferably both.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination. The acting borders on horrible from some of the young leads. The plot is pretty cardboard slasher though it does get credit for trying to throw a murder mystery element into the mix. However, it is with hat in hand that I have to admit, I had fun in this movie.

The 3-D is first rate. It’s rich and tripped out for full gimmick effect. It looks great and does exactly what it’s supposed to do for this flick. And unlike Bolt, it was easy on the eyes and I had no dull throbbing headache walking out of the theater. You get the full effect whether it’s a nipple brushing against your cheek or a pick-axe punching through your skull. Just as gorgeous is the incredible depth demonstrated in many scenes when things aren’t flying out of the screen at you. There are a handful of shots where the depth is simply breathtaking. Bravo to the 3-D effects team.

The other things done well with My Bloody Valentine 3-D are the refreshingly good make up and digital effects . I’m a movie effects “tweener” to be honest. I grew up with model-work, stop and go motion animation, and matte paintings but came of age in the infancy of digital. Now we’re in a film industry where the footage that is shot is simply a canvas for the effects artists. This is my long-winded way of telling you that well over half of the time I can’t tell you whether a visual effect is real or digital in a movie unless I research it first. I can tell you that the gore effects here are pretty damned good.

Let’s get to the gore, then, shall we. After the first wave of slasher films in the late 1970 and early 1980s slasher flicks lost their testicles. Because of the MPAA, the drive to bring the genre into mainstream profits drove many years of grisly slasher films with virtually no good gore. They stopped showing the stuff that us sickos had originally been paying to see in the hopes they could fly their sick and twisted films under the radars of the average soccer mom.

My Bloody Valentine is a nice return to good old fashioned over the top movie “killin’.” We get people cut in half, eyballs getting pushed out of their sockets and various pieces of the anatomy not generally designed to be disassembled being ripped out of their normal biological configurations. There’s no sugar coating of the violence here and I applaud the film for that. THIS is what a slasher flick should be. Violence that is so outrageous that you spend half the movie cringing and the other half laughing. For all those wasted hours watching horror flicks that may have been worthwhile if key shots had been allowed to go on for an additional 2-5 seconds, we get the goods in this movie.

In addition, we get all the ridiculous horror film staples done to perfection . Gratuitous sex and nudity, cheesy one liners in inappropriate circumstances, and cheap phony false scares.

If there’s any real bummer about the movie it’s that it really makes a half-assed effort to build up a cut-rate murder mystery that they play to the end, and in the process of doing that, things really start slowing down toward the second half of the second act. As Morgan Freemen says in Shawshank Redemption, you either need to get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’ and there is way too long of a stretch in the middle of the film where people are too busy livin’ . But that’s okay, there really is enough carnage, it just could have been paced a tad better.

Even though the plotting was poorly paced , I would give them them some slight credit for maintaining the “murder mystery” throughout. Granted, by the end I was pretty much only interested in seeing what new orifices could be created in a human body with a pick axe, but at least I wasn’t 100% sure who the killer was until the conclusion of the half-assed climax.

So my recommendation on this is mixed. If you don’t like slasher flicks, don’t go. If you are going to see this, see it in 3-D. I can’t imagine that this film is really watchable in standard format even with some of the “purdy killins.” For a nice fun hack and slash ride though, My Bloody Valentine 3-D delivers what it promises.

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Mike “ScuzzBuster” Broda is a film critic and editorial writer for Deviant Knowledge, an entertainment/leisure blog.

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